Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Broguesmen

J: So we have a guest here, and I believe we've distracted her, not with pizza and wine, which are the norms, but with reruns of The Wine Show, which is difficultly mesmerizing.

S: Why is he wearing a stupid hat? He's so attractive, why is he wearing a hat like that?

M: I think he wears jean shorts at one time, too.

S: Jorts? No.

M: It's such a bad hat. Also, I'm not entirely convinced that Matthew Rhys even likes wine.

S: That's the best part ever.

M: Right? Like, give that man a beer.

J: So we watched a move. Called Kingsmen. And I liked it.

M: We did. But Kingsman.

S: Are you sure?

M: Yes, because it's bothered me this whole time.

S: But there's multiple men.

M: I know.

S: I may or may not have lied to Kyle about the movie we've been watching.

J: But really I liked it. Mostly Colin Firth. And the sexy shoes.

S: He's so dreamy.

M: Shoes?!

"...and that's where babies come from."
S: I love how passionate this lady is about wine, yet she has a dog cartoon shirt.

M: I know, right?!

S: I'm so enthralled by this show, I can't stop watching.

M: Right?!

J: So Kingsman. Let's talk about the brogues!

M: I'll turn it down. [Turns down volume on The Wine Show]


S: Let's talk about the brogues. Wait, those guys are teenagers. What's happening? What are they doing with their hands? Does anyone ever die in this show?

M: I don't think so.

S: That's disappointing.

M: Aw, it's a sunset shot. With the Matthews. Also, can I just say...

S: Yes...

M: I love Matthew Goode... next... as much as the next Matthew-loving person. However, why, does Mary, on Downton Abbey, end up with his character?

J: [screams] No!

S: Why are you getting so upset about this? Did you need us to warn you before we talked about the end of the 3-year old show?

J: [screams] No!

S: If only Dan Stevens had not decided to leave the show.

"And with this handshake, I thee wed."
M: But seriously though, Charles Blake, so much more well-suited for Mary.

S: Seriously. Can I just say that watching the English Premier League and watching English shows just makes me want to move to London? Why is that. I don't even like big cities.

M: Let's all move to Brighton!

"It's very stylish and elegant."

S: Or we could just move to Liverpool.

J: I really liked Kingsman.

S: Oh, are we talking about the movie now?

J: Well, I think it's worth mention as this is a post in its honor.

S: Fine. You're such, like a... stick-in-the-mud.

M: Burn.

J: Whatever. Colin Firth and I are going to have beautiful British spy-babies.

S: Did you know that he has children who are in their teens? Their like, late teens? I believe. He's much older than you would imagine him being.

This is the British Hunger Games.
M: But he seems so spry!

S: He seems so spry! Plus he jumped into that pond fully clothed. In Pride and Prejudice.

M: I was just going to say...

S: It was 30+ years ago.

M: You were the one with the Pride and Prejudice drinking game, right?

S: Yes. It's impossible to finish in one night.

M: I'd like to try.

J: So what would we like to say about Kingsman?

S: So I liked Kingsman, generally, but I did not like the ending. I thought it was a very disappointing ending?

J: Why?

S: It was very unfulfilling. You were left with a feeling of Colin Firth being dead, which is always unfulfilling. And the main character, for lack of a better word, f*cking...

M: I was gonna say shagging, because this is a British blog...

S: ...in the back door! Which is like... what princess is like... that seems particularly unrealistic. Who starts a relationship like that?

"Hail Satan."
M: Who said anything about a relationship?

S: I don't even care if it's just a sexual thing, no one is ever like, I just want you to f*ck me in the back door. I mean, I might be crazy, but...

M: To be fair, I also hated the ending, but, I think it was just supposed to be a tribute to terrible James Bond tropes.

S: True, but none of those women were like, "visit my backdoor..."

M: That was next-level.

S; Where did the Matthews go? Why are they not here?

M: So there's Joe. And... Amelia? Do I get a prize for that? [head explodes]

J: I also hated the ending, I thought it was a departure from the film's main tropes, which were, in fact, in praise of the British gentleman. not that gentleman don't do it "in the back door" so-to-speak, but alluding to it in a silly spy film seems a bit over-the-top. Though, this isn't entirely just a "silly spy film."

M: It isn't?

J: I mean, it's kind of violent?

M: I thought we also all agreed that gentlemanly-ness is a dangerous terminology.

S: Yes.

J: Very true. There is a female spy candidate, one of two, and she ends up playing a very paltry role in the final sequence, which is bizarre, because she's the one who ultimately wins the candidacy.
"Mother-f*cking spies on a mother-f*cking plane!"

M: Also, it just occurred to me while watching it, that she's definitely a character that could have been of a different race but not. I know it's a British movie, but there are a lot of British people of different races. She didn't have to be blonde.

S: Yeah! It's even more acceptable there.

J: It's absolutely true. Spies are white, apparently.

M: I notice that with movies so much. How much races are interchangeable, but aren't. Samuel L. Jackson is one of... two? black people in the movie.

J: So we liked the movie, except for the ending and the lack of diversity...

M: An old, old wooden ship...

J: But the plot was reasonably relevant and clever and I really liked the fight sequences.

M: They were quite... graphic.

J: They were, and seemed less so this viewing, which perhaps isn't a good thing, but the nuance and choreography involved were impressive.

M: [nods] Also, brogues. You had a wide spread of brogues. Colin Firth, very posh and proper, Eggsy, very...

S: Very street-wise, like an east-ender, probably.

M: And then, Merlin, was that Scottish? Ish?

S: Sure?

M: Northern England?

J: I really don't know what he was going for, but it was a bit odd. I didn't quite trust him throughout the movie, but evidently for no good reason. I'm just a cynical bastard these days. #thankstrump

M: Also shoes with brogues.

J: "Oxford, not brogues!"

M: [nods] They seemed down on brogues, brogueing. I don't know enough to know why, but...

J: I don't know enough to spell it correctly, apparently. Wait, that's right! We've gotta wrap this up, things are getting sh*tty...

M: Um... uh... we should close by saying that we were planning to watch the sequel, coming out soon. [shrugs] Kingsmen?

J: Yes...

"Knock me down with a feather!"

J: BWAB will be heading to the movies soon!

 M: Speaking of sequels! If there is a Series 2 of The Wine Show, I will watch that so hard.

J: As will I, M, as will I. Cheers!



Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Brogue Show

J: Have YOU ever been on safari?

M: Of course not!

J: Apparently it's a normal thing for British people. "This is pretty cool cycling. It's rather like going on a nature safari. ... I'm going to get into trouble for being the world's worst baboon patrolman."

M: So... if you've not heard of it yet, which we had not until a week or two ago, there is a show called The Wine Show. It's about wine. Sometimes.

J: Today it's about baboons.

M: Apparently.

J: So we were planning to blog about all of these interesting, feature-length films about important people and whatnot... yeah I don't remember now, but then Mere suggested The Wine Show, partly because (okay mostly because) Matthew Goode and Matthew Rhys are the hosts... "hosts"... and I figured sure! Why not?

M: Well I'll tell you why not. But no really, it's incredibly entertaining, sometimes intentionally, other times... ah... I'm at a loss for words.

J: I've tried to explain this to several people so far, including the cashier at the liquor store earlier this evening, but no one can ever fully understand the farce that is The Wine Show without watching it.

M: I feel like the title in general really shows you what the thought process was behind this show.

J: So not very much.
I'm controlling you... with my EYES...

M: [laughs] And yet! Again, quite entertaining.

J: To make a long blog post longer, The Wine Show is largely about two celebrities named Matthew in a villa in Italy learning about (and drinking lots of) wine from a sommelier who has one of the creepiest face stares/eyes I have ever seen.

M: They are so big...

J: The show is built into four major segments. The initial education, the wine bachelor, the chef special, and the lady who's usually in Australia.

M: I think we need to talk more about the wine bachelor, just to clarify.

J: I forgot the gadget segment!

M: The James Bond/Obi-wine Kenobi segment.

Gadgets for everyone!
J: So five-part show. Consistently. But right, bachelor wining...

M: Right. So. They are tasked with going to various Italian locales and selecting a wine to represent the "spirit" of that region, at which point the man with the scary eyes picks the best one and places it in a velvet box [dies laughing].

J: Oh  my god, this is real life. That's exactly what happens. And Matthew Goode always wins.

M: So far, yes.

J: We've only seen 3 episodes so far.

M: That's a box of aromas! "Here's a wheel of aromas!"

J: This show, I swear. The first episode we watched I half expected it to be a total joke. It's that ridiculous and earnest and poorly, what, scripted? Edited? Directed? What's going on here? The premise, clearly, has  nothing wrong with it... [laughs]

M: There are few moments in the show more entertaining when we get the... what do you call it... when they suddenly do the speaking directly to the camera.

J: Breaking the 4th wall?

Why are you watching this!?

M: Yes, more or less! Very abruptly. [laughs] There's another box of aromas! Is this a sommelier thing?

J: I daresay it is. The thing is, the scary-eyes guy frequently looks at the camera during his segments, but the Matthews almost never do. Except when they do. Abruptly. And so far, it's only Matthew Goode.

M: I think Matthew Rhys did it once in the last episode. Not that I'm keeping track. Also, as this is a blog without brogues, can we please talk about the fact that when they do the voice-over narration, I cannot hardly distinguish between the Matthews.

J: It's true! I expected a much stronger Welsh accent from Matthew Rhys, but they sound almost identical. Maybe he was raised somewhere else, I don't know. Either way, the Britishisms are iconic.

M: Outstanding.

J: "Well knock me down with a feather!"

[Matthew Rhys looks directly at the camera]

M: See! The fact that Matthew Rhys constantly suggests having a nice ale instead and/or sarcastically speaking into the camera makes me think, uh, the show was not his idea.

J: I completely agree. He seems drawn in reluctantly at best...
Oooooh I'm winning!

M: ... by Matthew Goode and his jean shorts... his endless supply of jean shorts. And hats.

J: The fact that Matthew Goode is winning the wine bachelor cannot help with that.

M: It's true.

J: All that said, we have learned a little bit about wine so far, and I'd love to try some of the more interesting ones that the feature on the show.

M: The interviews with the chefs and the... what do you call a wine-maker?

J: Uh, something something vineyard...

M: Grape-smasher...

J: Yeah that person...

M: Fermenter. Grape fermenter. Anyways, those interviews have been very interesting.

J: They have! I like the chef input, too. At first we thought this might be a lot like The Trip, but mostly it's just...

M: A lot of... [makes wine swirling motion]

J: They do it ALL the time! Something about aeration and oxygen and...

M: And it looks cool.

J: I mean, we're doing it now.

M: Yes. Watching this show makes you want to do that and just drink a lot of wine in general. Also you never see them spit out wine or hesitate to drink all of the wine...

J: True! There are actually funny quips about how excited they are to have multiple glasses or to try lots of different kinds... we've been lucky to have bottles of rose available at both viewings thus far.

M: I think it's imperative to have wine available whilst viewing this show.

J: The only shame is that we're watching it after its conclusion. Apparently they were very active on...
We are friends!

M: The "sosh meeds."

J: Things just got serious. We're getting in touch with some Catholics. At the Vatican.

M: Is he wearing shorts... surely not at the Vatican. He's wearing shorts at the Vatican! Jesus, Matthew Goode.

J: Jesus, indeed!

M: Also I would like so many gifs from this show.

J: Every other scene is perfection in silly, endearing, earnest facial expressions. Wait, that dude is legit American.

M: Yes. At the Vatican. I mean, the Vatican is its own country.

J: Turns out he's been there for 18 months. And is a Jesuit. So surely communion wine, even in the Vatican, is not good.

M: It hasn't been, in my experience. Very vinegar-y.

J: And weirdly sweet?

Wrap it up, girls.
M: Yes. "Certainly sweet."

J: Wow, I've never noticed the priest in the back seat in these promos!

M: [sings monastery songs] PANTS.

J: I think we should wrap this up.

M: I said pants because Matthew Goode is in a monastery and he's finally wearing pants. Also, I just want to throw in that they refer to each other as "Goodey" and "Rhysy" because that's just great.

J: HARRY POTTER REFERENCE.

M: Did they really!? I missed it. I mean, I'm not surprised.

J: Reference to Hogwarts.

M: Also, I feel like we should take this opportunity to link to Fakers, our previous reference to Matthew Rhys. I feel like we've linked to Match Point far too many times... so...

J: I typed it, I'm linking it.

M: Fair enough.

J: In conclusion, I highly recommend watching The Wine Show if you like wine, British celebrities, or anyone named Matthew.

M: Samesies.

J: BWAB out!

Saturday, February 11, 2017

BWAB: The Return

J: So here we are. At the Pig. On a delightfully sunny day in February. But no, global warming's not real.

M: Climate change, Jenna.

J: You're right. Climate change isn't real. Just something made up by the liberal media to distract us from... what... from profit?
Good one.

M: It's fake news.

J: You're fake news.

M: [laughs] I think we're too sober to do this. Or too angry. Or something.

J: I am too hurt!

M: [laughs] Aww! "Considers banana."

***half-hour drinking interlude***

J: We're approaching champagne levels...

M: You should write that.

***second drinking interlude***

M: Mmm, that's stronger than the last one.

***third drinking interlude***

"THE BEEEEEST OF BOTH WOOOOORLDS!"
M: Being bi is the Hannah Montana of sexual orientation. Aka, "the best of  both worlds!" Truth.

J: Girl, yes.

M: Also, why is it so dark? It's like we've been here for hours

J: Where did the sun go? I thought it was almost 3:00...

M: [laughs] It's almost 6!

J: So we've been gone awhile...

M: You type so well, it's beautiful.

J: I used to play piano, remember?

M: You did. Okay. I'm ready to talk about British things.

J: Yay! Crumpets! Tea! Accents! I'm so excited!

M: [laughs] Okay, so... Blog With A Brogue. We took an unintended year-long hiatus. Whatever. "Life." It happens.

J: I put that in quotes. I'm not sure why.

M: [laughs] But we're here now. And I have a lot of British things to talk about.

J: Is this champagne British?

M: I think by definition, champagne cannot be British.

J: Is our sparkling wine British?

M: Possible. [laughs]

J: So tell me, Meredith. What amazing British things have you seen lately?

M: Hold on to your troushers. Troushers? Troushers. I can't talk anymore! Trouuuuzerssss.

J: Yes, very nice.

M: So. Matt and I. Husband. Whatever. We're very into British murder mystery shows. Nobody does murder mystery as well as the Brits.

J: I freaking love murder mysteries. I'm clearly privileged and sheltered.

M: So. I have multiple recommendations.

J: Ooh! Do tell.

M: Okay. If you like P.D. James books...

J: Wait. Who, pray tell, is P.D. James?
Those bangs, though...

M: To be honest, I've only read one of her books. And I didn't love it. Although, the film interpretation of that book is, in fact, probably my favorite memory of all time. Or at least, one of the best films I've ever seen ever.

J: [makes multiple incredulous faces]

M: And that book is called The Children of Men. Did not love the book, but seriously watch the movie. Amazing.

J: Okay, okay, I agree. Saw the movie in France, was mind-blown. Amazing.

M: Life-changing. So, she has a detective series about detective Adam Dalglish. They were on Netflix, I don't know if they still are, but they are worth every penny at your local rental store, if not. Brits? Brits probably has them.

J: I would guess! Or they would order them for you. Or Liberty Hall has them. Or they might order them. Basically look around. Don't be lazy.

M: I really thought they were shaking hands!
M: Exactly. Secondly, if you're looking for something slightly more modern...

J: Wait, wait. When is this set? More modern? What now?

M: So... Dalglish is probably more late 80s. Midsomer Murders on PBS or from PBS is more late 90s.

J: Okay. So if you like British murder mysteries and you're feeling nostalgic for poor film quality, we have this excellent recommendation for you. Probably on VHS, don't worry about it.

He could be 27, he could be 17. We truly don't know.
M: Ah, Midsomer Murders is on Netflix. For sure. And it's much more campy, humorous, but nonetheless satisfying.

J: Our readers are all about satisfying British cop humor. So tell me more about this modern business...

M: Okay. Midsomer Murders. It was on PBS, we discovered it on Netflix. It's... well frankly, it's great. I highly recommend it, if you're into that sort of thing. However, if you're into something more... historic... more of a period piece, something which we have found to be mind-blowingly relevant to our current political climate here in America...
Look at us. We're wearing hats.

J: [nods knowingly]

M: I cannot recommend enough Foyle's War. I think it was on PBS? I'm not sure. It's more recent than Midsomer. It's also on Netflix. However, it's set during WWII and it explores lots of topics related to German immigration during WWII... basically it's a detective inspector superintendent... some super-large title... who investigates murders and what-not in England during WWII. It's f*cking brilliant.

J: That sounds a bit heavy. But relevant! And important.
BUT SERIOUSLY HOW OLD ARE YOU.

M: And! Best of all... as far as actors go, there's a lot of carry-over from Midsomer Murders, which we also enjoy very much.

J: Excellent suggestions! If you're looking for blatant and terrible distractions from our current political situation (and/or your life situation in general), I highly recommend Outlander, which is Scottish and has a plethora of innuendo and blatant sexy-times. I mean, there's nudity. For both parties.

M: That's all I keep hearing about Outlander! My boss keeps telling me how much she likes the Outlander series, and all I keep thinking about is all the sexy-times! I mean, she doesn't tell me about the sexy-times. But I bet she likes the sexy-times.

J: I mean, they're good sexy-times.

M: I'm all about good sexy-times.

Look at your man, now back to me. I'm on a horse. Old Spice.
J: Who isn't?! Also I will say, the costume designer and the set designer have done a truly fantastic job putting Claire and Jamie in the right atmosphere for sexy-times.

M: [laughs] It's all about the atmosphere.

J: And the innuendo. And the sexy red-haired Scottish man.

M: Yes, indeed.

J: Anyway, that one's nice.

M: I have one more recommendation! The Imitation Game.

J: Dammit! I have been meaning to see that!

M: It is not a happy movie, necessarily.
It's Benedict! How hard is that?!

J: [frowns]

M: But! If you need encouragement, it does have Bendyback Cumberpatch AND Matthew Goode.  Big fan of Matthew Goode.

J: You may or may not recall our Match Point post.

M: LINK.

J: Done.

M: But also! One of our other favorite Downton Abbey-ites, aka Allen Leech, also in... what was that terrible movie driving around in the car... there was only 3 people in the entire movie...

J: All I can think of is Retreat, which is a different three people....

Goode shade is the best shade.
M: Similar, but...

J: We'll find it.

M: In Fear!

J: We've got a lot of linking to do.

M: What am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking The Imitation Game. It's good. Kiera Knightly! She's very British.

J: "She's very British."

M: I mean, she is.

J: You're not wrong. But Outlander...
Very angry. And very Scottish.

M: [laughs] So, BWAB has a lot of recommendations. Because of circumstances, we have not had opportunities to coordinate our British media viewings. I was going to say "winter is coming," but it's not. But we will find time to watch things in the future for a more cohesive post for our viewers because our greatest concern is indeed our consumers of this fine, fine blog post.

J: That was a terrible run-on sentence. But I agree! I wasn't done either. I recommend Outlander as well as this fantastic snarky Veep-precursor called The Thick of It. It features a very biting...

M: Mmm...

Still Scottish, less angry, more scared.
J: Anyway... Peter Capaldi...

M: [intensified mmm]

J: Who SOME OF YOU may know as the latest iteration of Dr. Who. I will say that after he was initially confirmed and I saw a few episodes, I was quite disappointed by his performance and his overall demeanor. However, after viewing the whole season I came around. Also, if I had seen The Thick of It prior to watching the new season of Dr. Who, I think I would have been much more amenable to Peter Capaldi. He's quick and witty and angry and very, very Scottish.

M: Delightful! May I also point out that in addition to a young James MacAvoy, Foyle's War also features Mr. David Tennant.

J: [gasps] GO WATCH IT NOW. I love David Tennant.

I love you too, Jenna.
M: [raises hand] Oh! Also, so, the great part about Foyle's War is yeah, he's this big important detective-man, but he doesn't drive.

J: What now?

M: And so, his commanding officer appoints him a driver. As there's a war going on, this driver happens to be female. And she is f*cking great.

J: So it turns out that our main recommendation from this meandering sh*t-show of a blog post, if you've made it this far, is Foyle's War. Not sorry.

M: Seriously, so good. Disclaimer: I usually end up crying at the end of every episode. I mean, it's war-time and it's pretty f*cking intense.

J: [frowns] But David Tennant!

M: [laughs] But seriously, it's pretty good. If you want to watch something meaningful and something relevant, watch some f*cking Foyle's War. And read some Howard Zinn, g*ddammit.