Saturday, November 4, 2017

Broguesmen: The Golden Brogue

S: Okay, it was in the top 10 of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.

M: [whistles] Bold words.

S: But like, in the middle of that movie, I texted Kyle to tell him. I'm surprised they had that many big name actors, I suppose.

J: I was thinking that too, as there are definitely more famous people in this one, but there were also some pretty famous people in the first one too.

M: True.

S: True, but the first one was better than this.

M: Was it?!

S: YES. The first one was definitely not in my worst top 5.

J: Right, but the gimmicks were the same.

M: I was gonna say, I don't know if I just wanted this one to be better and so believed in my mind that it was somewhat better because they  made a second one, so... but... it's kind of a toss-up, now that I think about it.

S: Julianne Moore has been in some really terrible movies.
"Champ here. I'm all about having fun. Whammy!"

M: She was in Suburbicon, though, and it was so good. And Big Lebowski.

S: She was so good in that. But. There's something about this movie that seems like a desecration of the first movie. I'm not using that word correctly, am I.

M: [laughs] I think that's giving the first movie too much credit.

"S: I don't disagree, but having just watched the first movie not too long ago, I just think that this was so much worse.

J: Ehhhhhh...

S: Fine.

J: I'm just saying, my only complaint with this movie was that damn, it dragged. There were some parts in the middle where I totally lost interest, despite the fact that they were rather important to the plot.
Thar she blows!

M: [nods] I felt myself thinking, 'Okay, this is the last fight scene. So we've prolly only got 20 minutes left...' which is never a good sign.

S: That is not a good sign.

J: No, same, totally. I resisted hard the urge to check my phone.

M: Yeah.

S: I just gave in to that.

M: When I try to make sense of this movie and find its place in the world and its reason for existing, I think it's because Bond movies, especially Roger Moore-era Bond movies, used to be so absurd and silly, and now Bond movies are so much better. So I feel like maybe this is revisiting or attempting to fill that void.

S: Okay. So to further back my argument that the second movie is substantially worse, on Metacritic, the first movie got a score of 60... out of 100. The second movie got a score of 44. Which I feel like is a substantially worse rating.
But why is the [whiskey] gone!?

M: Maybe... not all the critics have seen it yet...?

S: [laughs] That's kind of not the point! I just feel while, yes, the first movie used some tried and true action movie tropes, the second movie did not pull that off as successfully.

J: So I agree that the tropes, as you say, were done well in the first movie and therefore rather unexciting in this movie, and I also agree that the plot was quite a bit less organized than the first film...

M: Was it pro-legalization? Anti?

S: Does it matter?

M: Not really...

J: But that's really...
"Arrrrr, Eggsy!"

S: Did you really get Billie a dog bed?

M: I mean, Grandma got her a dog bed, but she really likes it. And it's blue.

J: SO IT'S a good talking point about this film, to say that it...

M: [laughs hysterically]

J: ...that it brings up an excellent question about drugs and legalization and the type of person who uses recreational drugs.

M: But does it?!


J: I mean...

"I'm a wizard, Eggsy!"
S: And by the ways, people in Hollywood are kidding themselves if they believe people who work in the White House are not regularly drug tested. Or at least upon employment.

J: I was also confused about who the president was supposed to represent. I mean, he sounded like a douchy Bush...

S: Do you mean a douchy Bush or a douchy Trump?

M: Julianne Moore said something about 'take this deal and make America great again.'

S: I feel like Donald Trump has been more proactive about rolling back the legalization of marijuana in states.

J: Yeah, the southern accent just really threw me off. And was that lady the vice president? How... oh I was about to give something away. Never mind! Yeah, they just cut a lot of corners, but again, I felt like the first movie did that too.

M: But the first movie didn't also have Channing Tatum.

"I'm a cowboy, Eggsy!"
S: You mean Tequila.

M: So there's that.

J: Right, but he was effing cryofrozen at the beginning.

S: We did get to see him in boxer briefs.

M: Cryo-quasi-naked.

S: Exactly.

M: Not that I care, but...

S: Are you sure?

M: I kind of care. Can we talk about who played Whiskey? Because if that guy is not Burt Reynolds' son, then...

S: Let me IMDB this, okay...
"I'm not Burt Reynolds, Eggsy."

M: I kept wanting him to be Brian Fantana, but he wasn't. Would've been a lot cooler if he was. Is he related to Burt Reynolds? Are we sure?

S: No.

M: Is he rumored to be the illegitimate son of Burt Reynolds?

S: He's a Chilean-born American actor...

M: [trills]

S: Best known for playing Oberyn Martell.

[ensuing discussion of GoT and the fact that M hasn't seen it]

We don't do dragons.
M: Because dragons.

S: Which is stupid.

M: I don't do dragons.

S: It's a stupid reason not to see it. I don't "do" dragons either, because I'm not a weirdo, but...

M: Way to make it weird.

S: You're welcome. Any time I can make it MORE weird, I'm right here for you.

M: [trills]

J: I do do dragons.

M: [dies] You said do-do. Sorry. Never not gonna say that.

S: I mean, she did say do-do.

J: Right, but dragons are okay, okay?

[hours later]

S: Maybe if this move had dragons in it, it would've been better.
Y'all come back now!

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Broguesmen

J: So we have a guest here, and I believe we've distracted her, not with pizza and wine, which are the norms, but with reruns of The Wine Show, which is difficultly mesmerizing.

S: Why is he wearing a stupid hat? He's so attractive, why is he wearing a hat like that?

M: I think he wears jean shorts at one time, too.

S: Jorts? No.

M: It's such a bad hat. Also, I'm not entirely convinced that Matthew Rhys even likes wine.

S: That's the best part ever.

M: Right? Like, give that man a beer.

J: So we watched a move. Called Kingsmen. And I liked it.

M: We did. But Kingsman.

S: Are you sure?

M: Yes, because it's bothered me this whole time.

S: But there's multiple men.

M: I know.

S: I may or may not have lied to Kyle about the movie we've been watching.

J: But really I liked it. Mostly Colin Firth. And the sexy shoes.

S: He's so dreamy.

M: Shoes?!

"...and that's where babies come from."
S: I love how passionate this lady is about wine, yet she has a dog cartoon shirt.

M: I know, right?!

S: I'm so enthralled by this show, I can't stop watching.

M: Right?!

J: So Kingsman. Let's talk about the brogues!

M: I'll turn it down. [Turns down volume on The Wine Show]

S: Let's talk about the brogues. Wait, those guys are teenagers. What's happening? What are they doing with their hands? Does anyone ever die in this show?

M: I don't think so.

S: That's disappointing.

M: Aw, it's a sunset shot. With the Matthews. Also, can I just say...

S: Yes...

M: I love Matthew Goode... next... as much as the next Matthew-loving person. However, why, does Mary, on Downton Abbey, end up with his character?

J: [screams] No!

S: Why are you getting so upset about this? Did you need us to warn you before we talked about the end of the 3-year old show?

J: [screams] No!

S: If only Dan Stevens had not decided to leave the show.

"And with this handshake, I thee wed."
M: But seriously though, Charles Blake, so much more well-suited for Mary.

S: Seriously. Can I just say that watching the English Premier League and watching English shows just makes me want to move to London? Why is that. I don't even like big cities.

M: Let's all move to Brighton!

"It's very stylish and elegant."

S: Or we could just move to Liverpool.

J: I really liked Kingsman.

S: Oh, are we talking about the movie now?

J: Well, I think it's worth mention as this is a post in its honor.

S: Fine. You're such, like a... stick-in-the-mud.

M: Burn.

J: Whatever. Colin Firth and I are going to have beautiful British spy-babies.

S: Did you know that he has children who are in their teens? Their like, late teens? I believe. He's much older than you would imagine him being.

This is the British Hunger Games.
M: But he seems so spry!

S: He seems so spry! Plus he jumped into that pond fully clothed. In Pride and Prejudice.

M: I was just going to say...

S: It was 30+ years ago.

M: You were the one with the Pride and Prejudice drinking game, right?

S: Yes. It's impossible to finish in one night.

M: I'd like to try.

J: So what would we like to say about Kingsman?

S: So I liked Kingsman, generally, but I did not like the ending. I thought it was a very disappointing ending?

J: Why?

S: It was very unfulfilling. You were left with a feeling of Colin Firth being dead, which is always unfulfilling. And the main character, for lack of a better word, f*cking...

M: I was gonna say shagging, because this is a British blog...

S: the back door! Which is like... what princess is like... that seems particularly unrealistic. Who starts a relationship like that?

"Hail Satan."
M: Who said anything about a relationship?

S: I don't even care if it's just a sexual thing, no one is ever like, I just want you to f*ck me in the back door. I mean, I might be crazy, but...

M: To be fair, I also hated the ending, but, I think it was just supposed to be a tribute to terrible James Bond tropes.

S: True, but none of those women were like, "visit my backdoor..."

M: That was next-level.

S; Where did the Matthews go? Why are they not here?

M: So there's Joe. And... Amelia? Do I get a prize for that? [head explodes]

J: I also hated the ending, I thought it was a departure from the film's main tropes, which were, in fact, in praise of the British gentleman. not that gentleman don't do it "in the back door" so-to-speak, but alluding to it in a silly spy film seems a bit over-the-top. Though, this isn't entirely just a "silly spy film."

M: It isn't?

J: I mean, it's kind of violent?

M: I thought we also all agreed that gentlemanly-ness is a dangerous terminology.

S: Yes.

J: Very true. There is a female spy candidate, one of two, and she ends up playing a very paltry role in the final sequence, which is bizarre, because she's the one who ultimately wins the candidacy.
"Mother-f*cking spies on a mother-f*cking plane!"

M: Also, it just occurred to me while watching it, that she's definitely a character that could have been of a different race but not. I know it's a British movie, but there are a lot of British people of different races. She didn't have to be blonde.

S: Yeah! It's even more acceptable there.

J: It's absolutely true. Spies are white, apparently.

M: I notice that with movies so much. How much races are interchangeable, but aren't. Samuel L. Jackson is one of... two? black people in the movie.

J: So we liked the movie, except for the ending and the lack of diversity...

M: An old, old wooden ship...

J: But the plot was reasonably relevant and clever and I really liked the fight sequences.

M: They were quite... graphic.

J: They were, and seemed less so this viewing, which perhaps isn't a good thing, but the nuance and choreography involved were impressive.

M: [nods] Also, brogues. You had a wide spread of brogues. Colin Firth, very posh and proper, Eggsy, very...

S: Very street-wise, like an east-ender, probably.

M: And then, Merlin, was that Scottish? Ish?

S: Sure?

M: Northern England?

J: I really don't know what he was going for, but it was a bit odd. I didn't quite trust him throughout the movie, but evidently for no good reason. I'm just a cynical bastard these days. #thankstrump

M: Also shoes with brogues.

J: "Oxford, not brogues!"

M: [nods] They seemed down on brogues, brogueing. I don't know enough to know why, but...

J: I don't know enough to spell it correctly, apparently. Wait, that's right! We've gotta wrap this up, things are getting sh*tty...

M: Um... uh... we should close by saying that we were planning to watch the sequel, coming out soon. [shrugs] Kingsmen?

J: Yes...

"Knock me down with a feather!"

J: BWAB will be heading to the movies soon!

 M: Speaking of sequels! If there is a Series 2 of The Wine Show, I will watch that so hard.

J: As will I, M, as will I. Cheers!

Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Brogue Show

J: Have YOU ever been on safari?

M: Of course not!

J: Apparently it's a normal thing for British people. "This is pretty cool cycling. It's rather like going on a nature safari. ... I'm going to get into trouble for being the world's worst baboon patrolman."

M: So... if you've not heard of it yet, which we had not until a week or two ago, there is a show called The Wine Show. It's about wine. Sometimes.

J: Today it's about baboons.

M: Apparently.

J: So we were planning to blog about all of these interesting, feature-length films about important people and whatnot... yeah I don't remember now, but then Mere suggested The Wine Show, partly because (okay mostly because) Matthew Goode and Matthew Rhys are the hosts... "hosts"... and I figured sure! Why not?

M: Well I'll tell you why not. But no really, it's incredibly entertaining, sometimes intentionally, other times... ah... I'm at a loss for words.

J: I've tried to explain this to several people so far, including the cashier at the liquor store earlier this evening, but no one can ever fully understand the farce that is The Wine Show without watching it.

M: I feel like the title in general really shows you what the thought process was behind this show.

J: So not very much.
I'm controlling you... with my EYES...

M: [laughs] And yet! Again, quite entertaining.

J: To make a long blog post longer, The Wine Show is largely about two celebrities named Matthew in a villa in Italy learning about (and drinking lots of) wine from a sommelier who has one of the creepiest face stares/eyes I have ever seen.

M: They are so big...

J: The show is built into four major segments. The initial education, the wine bachelor, the chef special, and the lady who's usually in Australia.

M: I think we need to talk more about the wine bachelor, just to clarify.

J: I forgot the gadget segment!

M: The James Bond/Obi-wine Kenobi segment.

Gadgets for everyone!
J: So five-part show. Consistently. But right, bachelor wining...

M: Right. So. They are tasked with going to various Italian locales and selecting a wine to represent the "spirit" of that region, at which point the man with the scary eyes picks the best one and places it in a velvet box [dies laughing].

J: Oh  my god, this is real life. That's exactly what happens. And Matthew Goode always wins.

M: So far, yes.

J: We've only seen 3 episodes so far.

M: That's a box of aromas! "Here's a wheel of aromas!"

J: This show, I swear. The first episode we watched I half expected it to be a total joke. It's that ridiculous and earnest and poorly, what, scripted? Edited? Directed? What's going on here? The premise, clearly, has  nothing wrong with it... [laughs]

M: There are few moments in the show more entertaining when we get the... what do you call it... when they suddenly do the speaking directly to the camera.

J: Breaking the 4th wall?

Why are you watching this!?

M: Yes, more or less! Very abruptly. [laughs] There's another box of aromas! Is this a sommelier thing?

J: I daresay it is. The thing is, the scary-eyes guy frequently looks at the camera during his segments, but the Matthews almost never do. Except when they do. Abruptly. And so far, it's only Matthew Goode.

M: I think Matthew Rhys did it once in the last episode. Not that I'm keeping track. Also, as this is a blog without brogues, can we please talk about the fact that when they do the voice-over narration, I cannot hardly distinguish between the Matthews.

J: It's true! I expected a much stronger Welsh accent from Matthew Rhys, but they sound almost identical. Maybe he was raised somewhere else, I don't know. Either way, the Britishisms are iconic.

M: Outstanding.

J: "Well knock me down with a feather!"

[Matthew Rhys looks directly at the camera]

M: See! The fact that Matthew Rhys constantly suggests having a nice ale instead and/or sarcastically speaking into the camera makes me think, uh, the show was not his idea.

J: I completely agree. He seems drawn in reluctantly at best...
Oooooh I'm winning!

M: ... by Matthew Goode and his jean shorts... his endless supply of jean shorts. And hats.

J: The fact that Matthew Goode is winning the wine bachelor cannot help with that.

M: It's true.

J: All that said, we have learned a little bit about wine so far, and I'd love to try some of the more interesting ones that the feature on the show.

M: The interviews with the chefs and the... what do you call a wine-maker?

J: Uh, something something vineyard...

M: Grape-smasher...

J: Yeah that person...

M: Fermenter. Grape fermenter. Anyways, those interviews have been very interesting.

J: They have! I like the chef input, too. At first we thought this might be a lot like The Trip, but mostly it's just...

M: A lot of... [makes wine swirling motion]

J: They do it ALL the time! Something about aeration and oxygen and...

M: And it looks cool.

J: I mean, we're doing it now.

M: Yes. Watching this show makes you want to do that and just drink a lot of wine in general. Also you never see them spit out wine or hesitate to drink all of the wine...

J: True! There are actually funny quips about how excited they are to have multiple glasses or to try lots of different kinds... we've been lucky to have bottles of rose available at both viewings thus far.

M: I think it's imperative to have wine available whilst viewing this show.

J: The only shame is that we're watching it after its conclusion. Apparently they were very active on...
We are friends!

M: The "sosh meeds."

J: Things just got serious. We're getting in touch with some Catholics. At the Vatican.

M: Is he wearing shorts... surely not at the Vatican. He's wearing shorts at the Vatican! Jesus, Matthew Goode.

J: Jesus, indeed!

M: Also I would like so many gifs from this show.

J: Every other scene is perfection in silly, endearing, earnest facial expressions. Wait, that dude is legit American.

M: Yes. At the Vatican. I mean, the Vatican is its own country.

J: Turns out he's been there for 18 months. And is a Jesuit. So surely communion wine, even in the Vatican, is not good.

M: It hasn't been, in my experience. Very vinegar-y.

J: And weirdly sweet?

Wrap it up, girls.
M: Yes. "Certainly sweet."

J: Wow, I've never noticed the priest in the back seat in these promos!

M: [sings monastery songs] PANTS.

J: I think we should wrap this up.

M: I said pants because Matthew Goode is in a monastery and he's finally wearing pants. Also, I just want to throw in that they refer to each other as "Goodey" and "Rhysy" because that's just great.


M: Did they really!? I missed it. I mean, I'm not surprised.

J: Reference to Hogwarts.

M: Also, I feel like we should take this opportunity to link to Fakers, our previous reference to Matthew Rhys. I feel like we've linked to Match Point far too many times... so...

J: I typed it, I'm linking it.

M: Fair enough.

J: In conclusion, I highly recommend watching The Wine Show if you like wine, British celebrities, or anyone named Matthew.

M: Samesies.

J: BWAB out!

Saturday, February 11, 2017

BWAB: The Return

J: So here we are. At the Pig. On a delightfully sunny day in February. But no, global warming's not real.

M: Climate change, Jenna.

J: You're right. Climate change isn't real. Just something made up by the liberal media to distract us from... what... from profit?
Good one.

M: It's fake news.

J: You're fake news.

M: [laughs] I think we're too sober to do this. Or too angry. Or something.

J: I am too hurt!

M: [laughs] Aww! "Considers banana."

***half-hour drinking interlude***

J: We're approaching champagne levels...

M: You should write that.

***second drinking interlude***

M: Mmm, that's stronger than the last one.

***third drinking interlude***

M: Being bi is the Hannah Montana of sexual orientation. Aka, "the best of  both worlds!" Truth.

J: Girl, yes.

M: Also, why is it so dark? It's like we've been here for hours

J: Where did the sun go? I thought it was almost 3:00...

M: [laughs] It's almost 6!

J: So we've been gone awhile...

M: You type so well, it's beautiful.

J: I used to play piano, remember?

M: You did. Okay. I'm ready to talk about British things.

J: Yay! Crumpets! Tea! Accents! I'm so excited!

M: [laughs] Okay, so... Blog With A Brogue. We took an unintended year-long hiatus. Whatever. "Life." It happens.

J: I put that in quotes. I'm not sure why.

M: [laughs] But we're here now. And I have a lot of British things to talk about.

J: Is this champagne British?

M: I think by definition, champagne cannot be British.

J: Is our sparkling wine British?

M: Possible. [laughs]

J: So tell me, Meredith. What amazing British things have you seen lately?

M: Hold on to your troushers. Troushers? Troushers. I can't talk anymore! Trouuuuzerssss.

J: Yes, very nice.

M: So. Matt and I. Husband. Whatever. We're very into British murder mystery shows. Nobody does murder mystery as well as the Brits.

J: I freaking love murder mysteries. I'm clearly privileged and sheltered.

M: So. I have multiple recommendations.

J: Ooh! Do tell.

M: Okay. If you like P.D. James books...

J: Wait. Who, pray tell, is P.D. James?
Those bangs, though...

M: To be honest, I've only read one of her books. And I didn't love it. Although, the film interpretation of that book is, in fact, probably my favorite memory of all time. Or at least, one of the best films I've ever seen ever.

J: [makes multiple incredulous faces]

M: And that book is called The Children of Men. Did not love the book, but seriously watch the movie. Amazing.

J: Okay, okay, I agree. Saw the movie in France, was mind-blown. Amazing.

M: Life-changing. So, she has a detective series about detective Adam Dalglish. They were on Netflix, I don't know if they still are, but they are worth every penny at your local rental store, if not. Brits? Brits probably has them.

J: I would guess! Or they would order them for you. Or Liberty Hall has them. Or they might order them. Basically look around. Don't be lazy.

M: I really thought they were shaking hands!
M: Exactly. Secondly, if you're looking for something slightly more modern...

J: Wait, wait. When is this set? More modern? What now?

M: So... Dalglish is probably more late 80s. Midsomer Murders on PBS or from PBS is more late 90s.

J: Okay. So if you like British murder mysteries and you're feeling nostalgic for poor film quality, we have this excellent recommendation for you. Probably on VHS, don't worry about it.

He could be 27, he could be 17. We truly don't know.
M: Ah, Midsomer Murders is on Netflix. For sure. And it's much more campy, humorous, but nonetheless satisfying.

J: Our readers are all about satisfying British cop humor. So tell me more about this modern business...

M: Okay. Midsomer Murders. It was on PBS, we discovered it on Netflix. It's... well frankly, it's great. I highly recommend it, if you're into that sort of thing. However, if you're into something more... historic... more of a period piece, something which we have found to be mind-blowingly relevant to our current political climate here in America...
Look at us. We're wearing hats.

J: [nods knowingly]

M: I cannot recommend enough Foyle's War. I think it was on PBS? I'm not sure. It's more recent than Midsomer. It's also on Netflix. However, it's set during WWII and it explores lots of topics related to German immigration during WWII... basically it's a detective inspector superintendent... some super-large title... who investigates murders and what-not in England during WWII. It's f*cking brilliant.

J: That sounds a bit heavy. But relevant! And important.

M: And! Best of all... as far as actors go, there's a lot of carry-over from Midsomer Murders, which we also enjoy very much.

J: Excellent suggestions! If you're looking for blatant and terrible distractions from our current political situation (and/or your life situation in general), I highly recommend Outlander, which is Scottish and has a plethora of innuendo and blatant sexy-times. I mean, there's nudity. For both parties.

M: That's all I keep hearing about Outlander! My boss keeps telling me how much she likes the Outlander series, and all I keep thinking about is all the sexy-times! I mean, she doesn't tell me about the sexy-times. But I bet she likes the sexy-times.

J: I mean, they're good sexy-times.

M: I'm all about good sexy-times.

Look at your man, now back to me. I'm on a horse. Old Spice.
J: Who isn't?! Also I will say, the costume designer and the set designer have done a truly fantastic job putting Claire and Jamie in the right atmosphere for sexy-times.

M: [laughs] It's all about the atmosphere.

J: And the innuendo. And the sexy red-haired Scottish man.

M: Yes, indeed.

J: Anyway, that one's nice.

M: I have one more recommendation! The Imitation Game.

J: Dammit! I have been meaning to see that!

M: It is not a happy movie, necessarily.
It's Benedict! How hard is that?!

J: [frowns]

M: But! If you need encouragement, it does have Bendyback Cumberpatch AND Matthew Goode.  Big fan of Matthew Goode.

J: You may or may not recall our Match Point post.


J: Done.

M: But also! One of our other favorite Downton Abbey-ites, aka Allen Leech, also in... what was that terrible movie driving around in the car... there was only 3 people in the entire movie...

J: All I can think of is Retreat, which is a different three people....

Goode shade is the best shade.
M: Similar, but...

J: We'll find it.

M: In Fear!

J: We've got a lot of linking to do.

M: What am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking The Imitation Game. It's good. Kiera Knightly! She's very British.

J: "She's very British."

M: I mean, she is.

J: You're not wrong. But Outlander...
Very angry. And very Scottish.

M: [laughs] So, BWAB has a lot of recommendations. Because of circumstances, we have not had opportunities to coordinate our British media viewings. I was going to say "winter is coming," but it's not. But we will find time to watch things in the future for a more cohesive post for our viewers because our greatest concern is indeed our consumers of this fine, fine blog post.

J: That was a terrible run-on sentence. But I agree! I wasn't done either. I recommend Outlander as well as this fantastic snarky Veep-precursor called The Thick of It. It features a very biting...

M: Mmm...

Still Scottish, less angry, more scared.
J: Anyway... Peter Capaldi...

M: [intensified mmm]

J: Who SOME OF YOU may know as the latest iteration of Dr. Who. I will say that after he was initially confirmed and I saw a few episodes, I was quite disappointed by his performance and his overall demeanor. However, after viewing the whole season I came around. Also, if I had seen The Thick of It prior to watching the new season of Dr. Who, I think I would have been much more amenable to Peter Capaldi. He's quick and witty and angry and very, very Scottish.

M: Delightful! May I also point out that in addition to a young James MacAvoy, Foyle's War also features Mr. David Tennant.

J: [gasps] GO WATCH IT NOW. I love David Tennant.

I love you too, Jenna.
M: [raises hand] Oh! Also, so, the great part about Foyle's War is yeah, he's this big important detective-man, but he doesn't drive.

J: What now?

M: And so, his commanding officer appoints him a driver. As there's a war going on, this driver happens to be female. And she is f*cking great.

J: So it turns out that our main recommendation from this meandering sh*t-show of a blog post, if you've made it this far, is Foyle's War. Not sorry.

M: Seriously, so good. Disclaimer: I usually end up crying at the end of every episode. I mean, it's war-time and it's pretty f*cking intense.

J: [frowns] But David Tennant!

M: [laughs] But seriously, it's pretty good. If you want to watch something meaningful and something relevant, watch some f*cking Foyle's War. And read some Howard Zinn, g*ddammit.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Brogue. James Brogue.

M: How have we not done this title before!?

J: I know! I was sure, but then we googled it, and all we saw were James Bond-themed shoes. Win!

M: Ah! Sorry. It's really spicy.

J: She's referring, of course, to her BOND-y Mary. [chuckles]

M: [laughs and shakes her head] I've got nothing! I think we should just stop blogging now. We can't top that.

J: Lucky for us, we don't have to! For, dear readers, this is but a PRE-post! Despite the fact that Meredith has already seen Spectre, she was nice enough to accompany me again this afternoon.

M: Anything for the blog. No, anything for BWAB.

J: Damn straight. But also, quickly, did you like it the first go-round?

M: [clears throat] I... I did. But! I went into it knowing that it would never be as good as Skyfall. Because, Skyfall, if not the greatest movie ever, is at least the greatest Bond movie ever.

J:  [snorts] But good! Good. I'm glad you liked it. I'm looking forward to it. But not as much as I'm looking forward to getting a Bond-y Mary of my own... thanks, Pig!

M: Now it looks like you're calling me a pig.

J: Dammit! No! We're at the Pig! The Bourgeois Pig! It's a coffee shop! And a bar! And you're lovely!

M: [laughs] Thank you for clarifying. So... do you have any... uh... any thoughts going into the film? Anything you're hoping to see?

Dream big, silver trash bag dress, dream big...
J: That is a great question. I'm looking forward to the dresses that the Bond girl(s) wear, because I like pretty things, and speaking of pretty things, I'm also looking forward to watching Daniel Craig for over two hours. Maybe he'll take his shirt off. Maybe not. We'll just have to see.

M: There's also a decent bit of Q in this movie.

J: [gasps] I love Q!!! He plays so many weird twisty characters in other movies, but he's so cute and clever and British. Etc.

M: I think that spicy things make me cold.

J: It's also a cold drink. And we're sitting outside.

M: Right, but...

J: I think it's time to wrap up our pre-post!

M: Like a present! Ha! Pre, post, present, get it? [rim shot]

J: Oh my god!


J: Some hours and several days later, we're ready to talk about Spectre. Personally, I liked it a lot. It was very classic James Bond with not a lot of extra thinking.

M: I agree. And I feel like I had a lot of things to say about this movie that were remotely... I'm not going to say intelligent... but maybe insightful or interesting? Or at least related to the film?

"Running on, running on [martinis]."
J: Didn't we have a really great conversation on the car ride home, and we were all, 'omg, we should have recorded this!'?

M: I think we need to invest in like a GoPro, where could just film ourselves post-film. Like, immediately. 

J: That's definitely turning into an issue right now. So really liked the opening scene in Mexico. 

M: I really liked the opening scene in Mexico, too. I almost peed myself when I first saw it. It was just hokey enough to be James Bond.

J: I agree! The whole movie seemed very formulaic, but in a good way. Like you sort of knew a little bit what to expect, and that made it more entertaining to watch. I also liked the female lead. I thought she was sassy but also realistic. 

M: Yes, exactly! I really liked Madeline Swan and she seemed much more true to the Bond women of the books. Also, in this film was the oldest Bond woman. What was her name?

I'm glad you're the oldest Bond lady, Monica.
M2: The actress? Monica Belluci. She's a very prominent Italian actress.

M: Ah. Well she f*cking killed it. 

J: She really did. I loved the cameo and her character and the whole "secret society" thing was very well done. Also Christoph Waltz!!!

M: Ah. That's what we talked about a lot. He was way too adorable! I want to just put his little villain-self in his pocket and take him home.

J: Haha yes! I think that made him even scarier as a villain. You weren't sure what he was going to do, whether it was going to be nice or not nice or really not nice. Also that whole scene with the brain torture?! That didn't really work for me.

M: Yeah. This is the first Bond movie I've scene with Blofeld as the villain.

J: I don't even know who that is.
Purr purr meow meow meow.

M: I just know that it's the basis for Dr. Evil and the villain in Inspector Gadget.

M2: It's cultural. It's mocked, it's referenced. And I feel like if you were a fan going in, you could pretty much always tell that's what Christoph Waltz was always going to be.

J: I knew that the scar was significant in some way, I just didn't know how. And the part about him being his brother...

M: I've only read the first five books, and I don't really remember there being a mention of James Bond being an orphan, necessarily. I know that's some part of the mythology, but I don't know if that comes strictly from the films. And Spectre itself, in the books, is SMERSH. 

J: Well that sounds ridiculous.

M: It's some Russian acronym for 'death to spies' or something.

J: It still sounds like smerfs. Or smersh. Smush?

M: Fair enough. Maybe that's why they changed it.

J: I wouldn't blame them!

M: All in all, I'm very sad that this is the last Danny Craig film. He's easily my favorite Bond. 

J: He was so good! I will say that as a current student studying potential brain injuries, I was really appalled at the number of concussions he obviously received in this film, if not realistically, then in theory.

M: In his interview on the Colbert show, I guess it's the Late Show now... in any case, he did mention that he tries to do as many stunts on his own as he can. He did say that he has been kicked in the face before.

J: Seriously, all of those scenes made me cringe. And there were a lot of them! Either way, it was a traditional and super entertaining Bond movie, with a very satisfying ending.

"Have you played Clash of Titans yet?"
M: It had enough throw-back to previous Bond films, but it still maintained the modern grittiness that makes Daniel Craig stand apart for me.

J: I would totally agree. He's such a funny Bond given the super suave, debonair history, but I think I like him much better for it. He's snarky but believable.

M: To me, he's so much closer to the Bond of the books. I think Connery is the only one that rivals him. Although... I have not seen a Timothy Dalton Bond... or a Lazenby.

J: I learned yesterday that Roger Moore did the most Bond movies of anyone in history. And I hear that's a shame.

M: I mean... they're something! They're...


Friday, October 9, 2015


M2: [whispers] Billie!

Billie (the kitten): [scuffles about]

M: [eats popcorn contentedly] Oh god!

B: [jumps up on the table]

M2: Don't eat the pizza! It's a simple rule.

M: I am not content!

J: Well your cat is. [shoves handful of popcorn into mouth]

M: [boops Billie's nose with finger]

M2: She's now addicted to salt.

M: Just like me... [sees Jenna typing] I told you I wasn't ready yet!

J: [types anyway] So this one might've been my fault.

M: I feel like we need music or something. The silence is scaring me. [attempts to turn on music]

M2: [chuckles] [sighs] [laughs out loud] Remotes are hard.

M: Stop laughing at me! [turns on radio]

M2: [laughs harder]

M: Stop! Why are you still laughing? This is terrible, we haven't even talked about the movie!

[Uptown Funk playing]

J: Well what would you like to say about Laggies?

What does it all mean though? And why aren't you Sam?
M: Laggies. I would like to say that Laggies is a terrible title for a movie, and that it was clearly a movie written by Brits for, no, for, yes, written by Brits for Brits about America.

J: Judging by the title alone, I completely agree. Having watched the movie with you, I also totally agree. This was a strange, strange movie, full of scenarios that would probably never ever happen in real life, but certainly happen in British imaginations of American adolescence.

M: The Brits have quite an imagination.

J: That they do. The basic plot of this movie involves Kiera Knightly as a twenty-something has-been...

M: Would you really call her a has-been? As opposed to a never-was? Or a hasn't-been-yet?

J: That's fair. The point is that she isn't at the point in her life that her friends are, and that makes her seem, as a character....

M: Laggy? Lagging?
This movie really doesn't make any sense.

J: Whatever the title is trying to imply. I still don't know.

M: Her friends are terrible.

J: Well, and they're supposed to be!

M: Kimmy Schmidt's character was so confusing though.

J: I thought they all were. They were supposed to be "the successful ones" and the ones who "had their shit together," but they just seemed like pretentious assholes.

M: Mmhmm. And inconsistent at best!

J: Truly. They were terrible friends, despite all knowing each other "forever."

M: Right?! You'd think it wouldn't be such a surprise that their British friend was a little "laggy." Or their friend with a British accent who was trying to sound American. Ow! Billie!! She just attacked my bra strap.

[Taylor Swift's "Wildest Dreams" plays]
Ahh, thank god. There you are.

M: I like that it's just his clothes in her room.

J: Right? This movie though. It was totally dying until Sam Rockwell showed up.

M: True story. I feel like all our lives are really just waiting for Sam Rockwell to show up.

J: One can only hope that Sam Rockwell will actually show up someday. [prays] Really though, Kiera Knightly is the only one who makes this remotely BWAB-able, and she plays an American. Not terribly well, but she does try her hardest. And maybe she's supposed to be super annoying, but maybe not.

M: I was gonna say... her accent's not that bad... but by the nature of her voice, or just from her trying to hide her accent, she just sounded so squeaky. Grating?

J: It was certainly obvious, whatever it was.

M: Ow! Billie. You're killing me. Yeah. You gotta go. Don't take the pillow with you.

J: I still don't know, technically, what "laggie" means. Other than "lags behind others." Which is supposed to be the theme of this movie, but really it just seemed like someone was finally taking control of her life, which is important and can happen at any point, no matter how "adult" or "juvenile" one may seem.

M: What I wanna know is, why was it "laggies" plural. 'Cause everyone else seemed to be doing alright.

J: That's a really good f*cking point. And I have no good answer.
You're our spirit animal, Kiera.

M: [claps at Matt] It's not even 10 o'clock yet. Look alive.

M2: They're all laggies.

J: But why? Also, let's take a moment to recognize what an important weekend this is.

M: Oh yeah! I forgot again.

[indefinite pause while Billie plays]

J: Well? What is it?

M: [scrolls on phone] [holds up finger] It is BWAB's fourth? Birthday?

J: I'm almost positive it's the fourth.

M: I guess we could check. On the blog.

[BWAB checks]

J: Yep! It's our fourth anniversary. I know, I know, you're all shocked. Maybe next year we'll do something really special.

M: I'm just impressed we remembered this year.

J: That was all you.
But seriously, have you seen Old School?!

M: I feel like the guy that forgets his birthday... what is that from? Is that Anchorman? No. It's Old School. Still Will Ferrell. I love Old School.

J: Yeah... it's great... so Laggies...

M: Have you even seen Old School? It's a really great movie.

J: Like once? Probably?

M: I wouldn't say it's Luke Wilson's best movie, but I would say it's one of my favorite characters that he's played.

J: Very fair. What I need to know now is do you want to say anything else about either Laggies or our fourth anniversary? I still think this is weirdest, least-related title of any movie we've watched.

M: I would not disagree with that. I kept waiting for it to come around or be more apparent. Or maybe they just assumed it was already obvious if you're someone that uses the term "laggie"?

J: Matt looked it up, and apparently in Britain this movie was released with the title Say When, which still doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but makes more sense than Laggies.

We've all been there. Right? Right guys?
M: It seems totally flip-flopped. However, ahh, I don't really know how Say When makes that much more sense.

J: Exactly. It's like they tried to portray American twenty-somethings based on stereotype alone and surprise! It didn't work. Not that our movies do much better, this was just particularly obvious.

M: [nods] [looks at Billie] My back still hurts, Miss!

B: [appears unaffected]

J: So that about sums it up, yeah?

M: I daresay so.

J: Anything else BWAB should know?

M: Hopefully it won't be three months before our next post, but I make no promises!

J: Same. Totally same. We love you guys. [drinks more]