Monday, September 30, 2013

6 Brogues

J: For how bad this movie is, we've already found a treasure trove of photos.

M: [laughs] We have a lot.

J: We do. But first! Before anything else! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LIZ MOTHER-F*CKING STUEWE!

M: She's really great.

J: Last week Meredith and I watched 6 Souls, which was evidently first titled Shelter.

M: Unlike Liz, it was less than great.

J: It had such potential. A dark, dramatic psychological thriller with our boy, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and classic red-head Julianne Moore... Unfortunately, the execution was not what it should have been. In fact, the genre was not what it should have been.

M: No! It went from, as you said, psychological thriller, and descended very quickly into, as you said when we were watching it, a "devil movie."

J: I was pretty disappointed. I mean, if you're gonna do a crazy Appalachia voo-doo movie, just call it like it is and make it awesome. If you want to play with Dissociative Identity Disorder, there's a whole movie there and then some.

M: And if you're going to try to do a movie where one of the main character has to run through a number of different accents, you should probably hire a professional to aid them in attaining such accents for as long as a scene requires. But, that being said, I still have nothing but love for JRM.

J: What was it Julianne Moore said in an interview about the movie? That he "tried really hard"?

Work. Harder.
M: I think it was in the present tense of, "Johnny was trying so hard" or something to that effect.

J: [internets]

M: [laughs] Internets. Verb.

J: They'll understand. SUCCESS! The quote is, "Oh my gosh. It was fun. Jonny worked so hard." 

M: She said dejectedly, and without feeling.

J: He really did, and oh boy, did it show. His accents were inconsistent at best, at times appearing to be Australian, Southern, Bostonian, his native Irish, you name it, he went there.

M: I hate to be so unkind, but it's true.

Yes, she's yelling at me again.
J: So the movie wandered around from genre to genre, and JRM's accent meandered around the globe. The plot itself was well-intentioned, but couldn't survive the confusing setting it found itself in.

M: [nods] It really had such potential. It's a shame.

J: Very true. My most vivid memory is of Matt pouring himself glass after glass of red wine, trying to get through the movie with us. If only we remembered his quotes...

M: Ah, yeah. His recreations of the accents alone made the film worth watching.

J: So the bottom line is that we recommend the movie, but only if you can have a drunk Matt in the room with you.

M: [nods again] Mine is not for rent or any other use... I don't really know where I'm going with that. Find your own Matt, I guess.

J: There's plenty of 'em out there. I'm doing my best, currently.

[breathes heavily]
"Come on, Jonny, not again. The scene ended five minutes ago."
M: Any closing thoughts? Did we already do that?
J: No! And yes. 

M: [laughs] I don't understand.

J: I just want to say that I really like voo-doo movies. The Skeleton Key was amazing.

M: I wanted to see that! That's with Kate Hudson!

J: It's so seriously creepy, and it also plays on the idea of belief as an evil deterrent. And it's done really well. I wish that this movie...

M: Was also done really well?

J: Well yes, but mostly I wish that this movie had picked a genre and stuck with it. It had potential either way, but definitely not enough screen time or plot to make it believable as either. 
They both worked pretty hard, actually.

M: It didn't even give me nightmares, which, I mean, doesn't take much.

J: She cries at commercials, folks. I've seen it happen.

M: I did nearly fall out of my seat at that one moment.

J: Right, it has its moments.

M: Its cheap thrills...

J: But not much more. Good try, Jonny. And Julianne. And [insert director's name here].

M: [laughs] I hope people really call him Jonny. 'Cause really, his name is way too long.

J: That's what she said.

M: The end.
Heeeeeere's Jonny!

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