The Broguesmen

J: So we have a guest here, and I believe we've distracted her, not with pizza and wine, which are the norms, but with reruns of The Wine Show, which is difficultly mesmerizing.

S: Why is he wearing a stupid hat? He's so attractive, why is he wearing a hat like that?

M: I think he wears jean shorts at one time, too.

S: Jorts? No.

M: It's such a bad hat. Also, I'm not entirely convinced that Matthew Rhys even likes wine.

S: That's the best part ever.

M: Right? Like, give that man a beer.

J: So we watched a move. Called Kingsmen. And I liked it.

M: We did. But Kingsman.

S: Are you sure?

M: Yes, because it's bothered me this whole time.

S: But there's multiple men.

M: I know.

S: I may or may not have lied to Kyle about the movie we've been watching.

J: But really I liked it. Mostly Colin Firth. And the sexy shoes.

S: He's so dreamy.

M: Shoes?!

"...and that's where babies come from."

S: I love how passionate this lady is about wine, yet she has a dog cartoon shirt.

M: I know, right?!

S: I'm so enthralled by this show, I can't stop watching.

M: Right?!

J: So Kingsman. Let's talk about the brogues!

M: I'll turn it down. [Turns down volume on The Wine Show]


S: Let's talk about the brogues. Wait, those guys are teenagers. What's happening? What are they doing with their hands? Does anyone ever die in this show?

M: I don't think so.

S: That's disappointing.

M: Aw, it's a sunset shot. With the Matthews. Also, can I just say...

S: Yes...

M: I love Matthew Goode... next... as much as the next Matthew-loving person. However, why, does Mary, on Downton Abbey, end up with his character?

J: [screams] No!

S: Why are you getting so upset about this? Did you need us to warn you before we talked about the end of the 3-year old show?

J: [screams] No!

S: If only Dan Stevens had not decided to leave the show.

"And with this handshake, I thee wed."

M: But seriously though, Charles Blake, so much more well-suited for Mary.

S: Seriously. Can I just say that watching the English Premier League and watching English shows just makes me want to move to London? Why is that. I don't even like big cities.

M: Let's all move to Brighton!

"It's very stylish and elegant."

S: Or we could just move to Liverpool.

J: I really liked Kingsman.

S: Oh, are we talking about the movie now?

J: Well, I think it's worth mention as this is a post in its honor.

S: Fine. You're such, like a... stick-in-the-mud.

M: Burn.

J: Whatever. Colin Firth and I are going to have beautiful British spy-babies.

S: Did you know that he has children who are in their teens? Their like, late teens? I believe. He's much older than you would imagine him being.

This is the British Hunger Games.

M: But he seems so spry!

S: He seems so spry! Plus he jumped into that pond fully clothed. In Pride and Prejudice.

M: I was just going to say...

S: It was 30+ years ago.

M: You were the one with the Pride and Prejudice drinking game, right?

S: Yes. It's impossible to finish in one night.

M: I'd like to try.

J: So what would we like to say about Kingsman?

S: So I liked Kingsman, generally, but I did not like the ending. I thought it was a very disappointing ending?

J: Why?

S: It was very unfulfilling. You were left with a feeling of Colin Firth being dead, which is always unfulfilling. And the main character, for lack of a better word, f*cking...

M: I was gonna say shagging, because this is a British blog...

S: ...in the back door! Which is like... what princess is like... that seems particularly unrealistic. Who starts a relationship like that?

"Hail Satan."

M: Who said anything about a relationship?

S: I don't even care if it's just a sexual thing, no one is ever like, I just want you to f*ck me in the back door. I mean, I might be crazy, but...

M: To be fair, I also hated the ending, but, I think it was just supposed to be a tribute to terrible James Bond tropes.

S: True, but none of those women were like, "visit my backdoor..."

M: That was next-level.

S; Where did the Matthews go? Why are they not here?

M: So there's Joe. And... Amelia? Do I get a prize for that? [head explodes]

J: I also hated the ending, I thought it was a departure from the film's main tropes, which were, in fact, in praise of the British gentleman. not that gentleman don't do it "in the back door" so-to-speak, but alluding to it in a silly spy film seems a bit over-the-top. Though, this isn't entirely just a "silly spy film."

M: It isn't?

J: I mean, it's kind of violent?

M: I thought we also all agreed that gentlemanly-ness is a dangerous terminology.

S: Yes.

J: Very true. There is a female spy candidate, one of two, and she ends up playing a very paltry role in the final sequence, which is bizarre, because she's the one who ultimately wins the candidacy.

"Mother-f*cking spies on a mother-f*cking plane!"

M: Also, it just occurred to me while watching it, that she's definitely a character that could have been of a different race but not. I know it's a British movie, but there are a lot of British people of different races. She didn't have to be blonde.

S: Yeah! It's even more acceptable there.

J: It's absolutely true. Spies are white, apparently.

M: I notice that with movies so much. How much races are interchangeable, but aren't. Samuel L. Jackson is one of... two? black people in the movie.

J: So we liked the movie, except for the ending and the lack of diversity...

M: An old, old wooden ship...

J: But the plot was reasonably relevant and clever and I really liked the fight sequences.

M: They were quite... graphic.

J: They were, and seemed less so this viewing, which perhaps isn't a good thing, but the nuance and choreography involved were impressive.

M: [nods] Also, brogues. You had a wide spread of brogues. Colin Firth, very posh and proper, Eggsy, very...

S: Very street-wise, like an east-ender, probably.

M: And then, Merlin, was that Scottish? Ish?

S: Sure?

M: Northern England?

J: I really don't know what he was going for, but it was a bit odd. I didn't quite trust him throughout the movie, but evidently for no good reason. I'm just a cynical bastard these days. #thankstrump

M: Also shoes with brogues.

J: "Oxford, not brogues!"

M: [nods] They seemed down on brogues, brogueing. I don't know enough to know why, but...

J: I don't know enough to spell it correctly, apparently. Wait, that's right! We've gotta wrap this up, things are getting sh*tty...

M: Um... uh... we should close by saying that we were planning to watch the sequel, coming out soon. [shrugs] Kingsmen?

J: Yes...

"Knock me down with a feather!"

J: BWAB will be heading to the movies soon!

 M: Speaking of sequels! If there is a Series 2 of The Wine Show, I will watch that so hard.

J: As will I, M, as will I. Cheers!