Broguesmen: The Golden Brogue

S: Okay, it was in the top 10 of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.

M: [whistles] Bold words.

S: But like, in the middle of that movie, I texted Kyle to tell him. I'm surprised they had that many big name actors, I suppose.

J: I was thinking that too, as there are definitely more famous people in this one, but there were also some pretty famous people in the first one too.

M: True.

S: True, but the first one was better than this.

M: Was it?!

S: YES. The first one was definitely not in my worst top 5.

J: Right, but the gimmicks were the same.

M: I was gonna say, I don't know if I just wanted this one to be better and so believed in my mind that it was somewhat better because they  made a second one, so... but... it's kind of a toss-up, now that I think about it.

S: Julianne Moore has been in some really terrible movies.

"Champ here. I'm all about having fun. Whammy!"

M: She was in Suburbicon, though, and it was so good. And Big Lebowski.

S: She was so good in that. But. There's something about this movie that seems like a desecration of the first movie. I'm not using that word correctly, am I.

M: [laughs] I think that's giving the first movie too much credit.

"S: I don't disagree, but having just watched the first movie not too long ago, I just think that this was so much worse.

J: Ehhhhhh...

S: Fine.

J: I'm just saying, my only complaint with this movie was that damn, it dragged. There were some parts in the middle where I totally lost interest, despite the fact that they were rather important to the plot.

Thar she blows!

M: [nods] I felt myself thinking, 'Okay, this is the last fight scene. So we've prolly only got 20 minutes left...' which is never a good sign.

S: That is not a good sign.

J: No, same, totally. I resisted hard the urge to check my phone.

M: Yeah.

S: I just gave in to that.

M: When I try to make sense of this movie and find its place in the world and its reason for existing, I think it's because Bond movies, especially Roger Moore-era Bond movies, used to be so absurd and silly, and now Bond movies are so much better. So I feel like maybe this is revisiting or attempting to fill that void.

S: Okay. So to further back my argument that the second movie is substantially worse, on Metacritic, the first movie got a score of 60... out of 100. The second movie got a score of 44. Which I feel like is a substantially worse rating.

But why is the [whiskey] gone!?

M: Maybe... not all the critics have seen it yet...?

S: [laughs] That's kind of not the point! I just feel while, yes, the first movie used some tried and true action movie tropes, the second movie did not pull that off as successfully.

J: So I agree that the tropes, as you say, were done well in the first movie and therefore rather unexciting in this movie, and I also agree that the plot was quite a bit less organized than the first film...

M: Was it pro-legalization? Anti?

S: Does it matter?

M: Not really...

J: But that's really...

"Arrrrr, Eggsy!"

S: Did you really get Billie a dog bed?

M: I mean, Grandma got her a dog bed, but she really likes it. And it's blue.

J: SO IT'S a good talking point about this film, to say that it...

M: [laughs hysterically]

J: ...that it brings up an excellent question about drugs and legalization and the type of person who uses recreational drugs.

M: But does it?!

S: BUT DOES IT.

J: I mean...

"I'm a wizard, Eggsy!"

S: And by the ways, people in Hollywood are kidding themselves if they believe people who work in the White House are not regularly drug tested. Or at least upon employment.

J: I was also confused about who the president was supposed to represent. I mean, he sounded like a douchy Bush...

S: Do you mean a douchy Bush or a douchy Trump?

M: Julianne Moore said something about 'take this deal and make America great again.'

S: I feel like Donald Trump has been more proactive about rolling back the legalization of marijuana in states.

J: Yeah, the southern accent just really threw me off. And was that lady the vice president? How... oh I was about to give something away. Never mind! Yeah, they just cut a lot of corners, but again, I felt like the first movie did that too.

M: But the first movie didn't also have Channing Tatum.

"I'm a cowboy, Eggsy!"

S: You mean Tequila.

M: So there's that.

J: Right, but he was effing cryofrozen at the beginning.

S: We did get to see him in boxer briefs.

M: Cryo-quasi-naked.

S: Exactly.

M: Not that I care, but...

S: Are you sure?

M: I kind of care. Can we talk about who played Whiskey? Because if that guy is not Burt Reynolds' son, then...

S: Let me IMDB this, okay...

"I'm not Burt Reynolds, Eggsy."

M: I kept wanting him to be Brian Fantana, but he wasn't. Would've been a lot cooler if he was. Is he related to Burt Reynolds? Are we sure?

S: No.

M: Is he rumored to be the illegitimate son of Burt Reynolds?

S: He's a Chilean-born American actor...

M: [trills]

S: Best known for playing Oberyn Martell.

[ensuing discussion of GoT and the fact that M hasn't seen it]

We don't do dragons.

M: Because dragons.

S: Which is stupid.

M: I don't do dragons.

S: It's a stupid reason not to see it. I don't "do" dragons either, because I'm not a weirdo, but...

M: Way to make it weird.

S: You're welcome. Any time I can make it MORE weird, I'm right here for you.

M: [trills]

J: I do do dragons.

M: [dies] You said do-do. Sorry. Never not gonna say that.

S: I mean, she did say do-do.

J: Right, but dragons are okay, okay?

[hours later]

S: Maybe if this move had dragons in it, it would've been better.

Y'all come back now!